The Tale of a Grumpy Mother
I often choose not to share on Instagram some of the ways the Lord calls me to suffer. It feels weird, perhaps others are called to this in a way I am not. Don’t let it deceive you into thinking I do not struggle. Among many other things, I often struggle with a resistance to the duties in the home.
That is why for Holy Week I was ready to embrace the “penitential act” of deep cleaning my home. This was how I planned to enter in, it was what I wanted to do.
But, the Lord had other plans and a lesson in mortification that I have heard loud and clear.
The Tale of a Grumpy Mother
I was a grump on Monday. I woke up late. The kids had a million needs. And I had a to-do list for Holy Week. One of my favorite weeks for liturgical living in the home. I had much to prepare and much to clean. But the morning came and went and nothing from my list got accomplished.
The grumpy mood began to settle in and took over after one of my kids resisted her nap when I really wanted that time to reset. I had plans for how I wanted the day to go and it just didn’t happen.
Well as Providence would have it, by the simple act of putting library books into a book drop, I pulled a muscle in my neck. I didn’t get to begin deep cleaning like I had planned this week but “that’s ok” I told myself, “it was only Monday and I could deep clean the other days”.
So, at the end of the day, grumpy, tired, with a sore neck and the house looking like a complete bomb, I climbed into bed. I lay there reflecting on my bitter attitude and asked the Lord to help me. I felt as though the Lord said to me “you don’t get to choose your mortification, accept the cross I am giving you.”
In the night, my strained neck began spasming. The pain was at the top of my threshold and I was unable to move, feeling like I was about to vomit and pass out. Every time I moved, it would spasm again. I got through it breathing the way childbirth had taught me and squeezing my husbands hand.
I woke up Tuesday and knew it was time to let go of my plans. Tuesday and Wednesday have been spent in bed with a neck brace and heating pad.
A Lesson on Mortification
We love choosing our penance for lent don’t we? Picking the way we want to suffer for the Lord…but how willing are we to accept the crosses we don’t desire or plan for? Does our “death of self” stop short?
The following words from Divine Intimacy by Father Gabriel are hard. But they spoke to me and I want to share them with you…
“The spirit of mortification has more than a purely physical aspect of mortification; it also includes a renunciation of the ego, the will, and the understanding. Just as in our body and in our senses we have unruly tendencies toward the enjoyment of material things, so also in our ego there are inordinate tendencies toward self-assertion. Love of self and complacency in our own excellence are often so great that, even unconsciously, we tend to make “self” the center of the universe…As long as mortification does not strike at our pride, it remains at the halfway mark and never reaches its goal.
The true spirit of mortification embraces, in the first place, all occasions for physical or moral suffering permitted by divine Providence. The sufferings attendant on illness or fatigue; the efforts required by the performance of our duties or by a life of intense labor…are all excellent physical penances. It would be absurd to refuse a single one of those providential opportunities for suffering and to look for voluntary mortifications of our own choice…
In the mortifications offered to us by divine Providence, there is nothing of our own will or liking; they strike us where we need it most, and where, by voluntary mortification, we could never reach.
In order to arrive at sanctity, all must have that truly deep spirit of mortification which can embrace with generosity every opportunity for renunciation prepared or permitted by God.”
-Excerpt from Divine Intimacy by Father Gabriel
As for my small injury…
As for my neck, all is well. It will recover in a few days. I hardly call this suffering as I am getting rest that I so often desperately need. However, this week has given me a lesson on suffering and mortification that I will carry into the weeks ahead and I am thankful for the wake up call.
I deeply desire the kind of mortification of self that Father Gabriel speaks of. My grumpiness is proof of my own resistance to the death of self which is required in the process of purification. The duties in the home and demands of the children are a beautiful way the Lord is calling me to die to myself. I am praying for the grace to accept these more joyfully.
Does this quote speak to you as well? Share with me in the comments below!